Month: April 2021

Brutally Honest Children’s Book Review: Moon Dance by Christian Riese Lassen
children's books · Just for fun · reviews

Brutally Honest Children’s Book Review: Moon Dance by Christian Riese Lassen

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Continuing my series of Brutally Honest Children’s Book Reviews, today I will be reviewing the board book Moon Dance. No, sadly Van Morrison has not branched out into the magical world of kids books (as far as I know) – this is written by Christian Riese Lassen, famous primarily for painting pictures of dolphins.

We inherited the book from some lovely friends once their daughter outgrew it (thanks guys!), and it has proved very popular with Little Man. Moon Dance refers to itself as ‘A Sparkle Book’, as if sparkle books were a thing we have all heard of. A quick search of Amazon Books identifies other children’s books by Riese Lassen which also include curious classifications: Sea Treasures (‘A Mystery Envelope Book’), and Sea Creatures (‘A Read And Play Carry Puzzle Book’). Sounds complicated. But anyway! On with the review…

Brutally Honest Children’s Book Review: Moon Dance by Christian Riese Lassen

A Sparkle Book

In fairness to Moon Dance, it very much does what it says on the tin. The illustrations of underwater life are beautiful and engaging, and there can be no doubt that this is, indeed, a Sparkle Book. Every full-page illustration, including the front cover, features colourful sparkly cut-outs that will bewitch even the least magpie-like babies and toddlers.

No Time To Rhyme

Moon Dance is essentially a poem, all about dolphins having a lovely underwater dance. This is where the problems start to creep in. The book contains seven verses of four lines each, with an ABCB rhyme scheme, i.e. there are 7 opportunities to rhyme in this book. Of those verses, three rhyme on the same word: ‘light’. That’s nearly half the book turning on the same rhyme. I know it’s a kid’s book, but it’s hardly a rousing introduction to the magical world of poetry, and it sounds very clunky. Rhymezone.com reliably informs me that there are 589 possible rhymes for ‘light’ in the English language. We know you’re really a painter, Christian Riese Lassen, but next time maybe try a little harder with the words…

Sparkly but dumb

Unnatural History

Now we come to the next issue: one for all fans of David Attenborough documentaries (and if you’re not a fan of David Attenborough documentaries then, quite frankly, you need to sit down and take a long, hard look at yourself). The natural history depicted in this book is questionable at best. Am I being petty? Yes. Is it reasonable to expect 100% accuracy in the depictions of underwater life in a children’s book whose primary selling point is the fact that it has sparkly pages? Who knows. But is this series called Brutally Honest Children’s Book Reviews? You’re damn right it is. So let’s continue.

All is pretty much well for the first four pages, assuming you can get on board with the basic concept that dolphins like to spend the whole night dancing, instead of sleeping like everyone else (in fact dolphins are often active late at night, but do also sleep for a few hours here and there, so in a way everyone’s right).

Then we hit a problem: page 5 opens with the couplet “Down on the seabed / Where colours are bold”. This strikes me as off for two reasons:

  • Water absorbs light rapidly, with some wavelengths (i.e. colours) absorbed faster than others. The colour red completely disappears by the time you reach a depth of c. 20 feet, orange by c. 50 feet, and so on. Unless this is an incredibly shallow seabed, it’s not likely that the colours there would be especially bold.
  • More importantly, the entire premise of the book is that IT’S NIGHTTIME. Colours are not bold at night!

So, we take a deep breath and move on. Hey, it’s just one line, right?

All Thriller, No Killer

At first glance, the verse on the next page is nice, about how the whales join in the dance alongside the dolphins. But wait. What’s that in the corresponding illustration? Those are killer whales. This is significant because (a) killer whales are not really whales, they’re just giant monochrome dolphins, but more importantly (b) killer whales notoriously eat dolphins, meaning they’re not especially likely to be caught prancing around in the moonlight together – unless the killer whales are trying to catch a dolphin dinner. I don’t know about you, but that seems a bit dark for a kids book for me. As my husband points out: “They’ve got the word ‘killer’ in their fucking name, guys”.

Not the best of buddies

Little Man’s Review

In all fairness, despite its flaws, Little Man loves Moon Dance, as it is very shiny and reflective. The pages are a bit large for tiny hands, so he struggles to look at the book on his own, but if mama or dada holds the book he enjoys turning the pages. And, for extra enjoyment, mama and dada gently shake the pages to make them sparkle to the absolute max, which proves very popular.

Brutally Honest Children’s Book Reviews: The Verdict

And so, in conclusion we come at last to the moment you’ve all been waiting for… Drumroll please, it’s the Brutally Honest Children’s Book Review Star Rating System, and the results are in for Moon Dance by Christian Riese Lassen:

  • Plot: *** (3/5)
  • Illustrations: ***** (5/5)
  • Interactive features: *** (3/5)
  • Educational Value: ** (2/5)
  • Little Man: **** (4/5)

Aggregate Score: (17/25)

Things That Are Suddenly Unexpectedly Difficult When You’re Pregnant
Just for fun

Things That Are Suddenly Unexpectedly Difficult When You’re Pregnant

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Okay, so everyone knows that pregnancy makes some things difficult. Doing up your shoelaces, fitting in your clothes, and picking up something you’ve dropped on the floor are all tasks that you know are going to become challenging when you’re super pregnant. But some other pregnancy problems are not so predictable… like walking through a car park, or reading about cheese. It’s a well-known fact that forewarned is forearmed, so I’m writing this blog post to warn other mothers-to-be about all the things that are suddenly unexpectedly difficult when you’re pregnant…

Unexpected Things That Are Suddenly Difficult When You’re Pregnant

Walking through a car park

When I was pregnant, my pre-existing joint problems got a lot worse. I have a condition called hypermobility spectrum disorder, which means that my joints are more flexible than they’re supposed to be. In pregnancy, the additional weight from my baby bump meant that my joints were under even more pressure than normal, which meant a lot of quite severe joint pain. My employer was actually super about this, and they gave me a car parking space for the duration of my pregnancy (car parking spaces are like gold dust at my work, so it was very exciting). This meant that every morning and afternoon, I had to walk through the underground car park.

And OH MY GOD it was like a logic puzzle! Normally, if you’re trying to fit through the gap between two cars, and you think it might be a bit too small, you turn sideways to fit through the gap. Top tip: this approach doesn’t work if you’re pregnant with a massive baby bump. Instead, you just have to waddle the long way around, on your poor fat little preggo feet… What a total pain in the bump.

Wearing shoes

Everyone expects that when you’re pregnant, you’ll have to buy a new wardrobe of giant baggy tent-clothes to fit your enormous bump. But no-one warns you that you might also need to buy new shoes, due to developing giant fat swollen feet. By the time I went into hospital to be induced, I actually only had one pair of shoes that actually still fit my freakishly large feet (even though I had bought new, larger shoes while pregnant!) and it was a pair of trainers that I had to wear unlaced. I should mention that swollen feet in pregnancy can be a sign of pre-eclampsia, so make sure if you do experience this fun side-effect that you get checked out by your midwife. In my case though, there was nothing wrong with me. I just had gigantic preggo feet.

Another thing to note is that, following bad advice from one of the midwives, I took my compression socks off the day after my son was born. My feet promptly swelled up overnight to such an incredible extent that they didn’t even fit in those shoes, and I just shuffled around the hospital in a pair of oversized slippers for a few days. When I was eventually supplied with new compression socks to put back on, after the nurses became alarmed at the sight of my colossal cankles, it was actually a two-man job to put the socks on, working around the remains of my deflated baby bump. Both my poor mum and long-suffering husband got the opportunity to help me put them on after showering on different days, which I’m sure is an experience they’ll never forget.

Anyway, the point is – if your feet swell up when you’re pregnant, make sure you keep the compression socks on for a few days after the birth…

Reading about cheese

When I first suspected I was pregnant, my husband and I were on holiday in Japan for a family wedding. Obviously, buying a pregnancy test over there was not especially practical because I don’t speak or read Japanese! However, I became fairly certain I was pregnant after an incident at a train station. My husband and I were queueing to buy tickets, and as we were waiting I glanced around at the pamphlets and posters at the far end of the room. For some completely inexplicable reason, in a room where every other bit of text was in Japanese, there was one poster which just had the word “CHEESE” on it in English, in very large orange letters. The moment I read it, it tipped my very low-level nausea into the feeling that I was going to throw up at any moment, and I had to apologise quickly to my husband and run outside to wait for him in the fresh air… Hello, morning sickness!

Walking through the office

Once you’re heavily pregnant, walking through the office takes at least twice as long as it used to. Not because of the magical pregnancy waddle (although that doesn’t help) but because everyone wants to stop you, tell you how enormous you are, ask you how far along you are, and exclaim loudly that you look ready to pop already. Thanks guys. Much like a vampire, I have no reflection, so it’s incredibly helpful for all my co-workers to make sure I know how enormous I am.

Drinking coffee

Okay, so you’re not supposed to drink too much caffeine when you’re pregnant, and I was very careful about that, as I’m normally a tea fiend. But I do also love a coffee, and so I would sometimes order a decaf from a coffee shop. Sadly, of course, people can’t tell that your coffee is decaf just by looking at it, which means that you have to be prepared to brave some very judgemental glares from complete strangers as you stroll through town trying to enjoy a quiet coffee…

Rolling over in bed

When you’re the size of a malnourished beluga whale and all your joints hurt, rolling over in bed is no longer an everyday task, achieved with only momentary inconvenience to yourself and your bedmate. Instead, it becomes an undertaking almost as mammoth as your giant belly. When I was pregnant, I had to sleep with extra pillows to support my hip and knee joints, so turning over in bed not only involved turning myself, but also swapping over the pillows, which frequently caught on the covers and dragged them out of place, and generally made me just consider giving up on the sweet dream of getting some sleep at all…

What random things do you find difficult when you’re pregnant?

Let me know whatever weird and wonderful things you found to be unexpectedly difficult when you’re pregnant! I’d love to hear your experiences in the comments below…

How To Cope When Dealing With Hospital Administration Systems
Just for fun · medication

How To Cope When Dealing With Hospital Administration Systems

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Something that no-one realises about chronic illness, until they become ill themselves, is the sheer amount of extra life admin it generates. It’s simply incredible how much time can be taken up by what should be simple tasks – booking appointments, getting hold of medication, finding out test results, getting in touch with the right person if your symptoms change… It can actually become extremely stressful and difficult to cope with hospital administration systems and the issues they can create through sheer inefficiency.

I think the worst instance of hospital administration failure that I encountered was when I was telephoned by the hospital and told off for missing an MRI appointment after my first pituitary surgery. I had indeed missed the appointment, because the letter had got lost in the post. As I had been expecting a scan appointment, though, I had actually called the hospital two weeks earlier to chase up, and been put through to the MRI department, who had told me that I was not booked in for any scans. I later discovered the hospital for some mad reason has two MRI departments, so presumably my scan was with the other department, and at no point did anyone think to tell me to check with both departments. Well done, hospital. Good use of public money.

I was first diagnosed with my pituitary tumor aged 21, which means that I’ve been dealing with the hell that is hospital admin for 11 years, the vast majority of my adult life. And that means that I have a few tips to share!

I used to think that the difficulties I encountered in getting anything done was because I was dealing with the National Health Service. I’m so grateful for the NHS funding my treatment that I would just remind myself to be grateful for it, and put up with the terrible admin, endless phonecalls and feeling of being lost in the system. Then one of my friends developed a serious medical issue which they had treated privately… And they encountered the exact same problems! It seems that terrible admin may well be a universal healthcare experience. So here are my top tips for how to cope with hospital administration, without falling into a pit of total despair…

Top Tips For How To Cope With Hospital Administration Systems

1. Be Organised

You have to be organised. Just because your doctor tells you something will happen doesn’t mean it will, without your intervention. Keep a note of what appointments you’re due to have, and if you haven’t heard from the hospital or doctor’s surgery well in advance, get in touch to check what’s happening.

2. Get Ahead Of The Game

Try to get in touch with your hospital nice and early if you haven’t heard anything. It gives you the most time to get something sorted. There’s nothing more stressful than realising that, for instance, you’re going to have a gap in treatment because the hospital has forgotten to send you a prescription or order the right tests. So make sure you chase up on things sooner rather than later.

3. Remember it’s not anyone’s individual fault

When you’ve made six phone calls and still made no progress with getting an appointment sorted, it’s incredibly frustrating. Try to remember it’s not the fault of the people you’re talking to, who are mostly just human beings trying to do their jobs in an imperfect system. You’ll get better progress by trying to be friendly and build a rapport with the staff you talk to, rather than getting annoyed.

4. Think outside the box

Most hospital departments and doctors surgeries have a public number you can call, but of course when you do, you end up speaking to someone who knows nothing about you or your issue. As a result, you can find yourself explaining yourself over and over again to different people, and feeling like you’re getting nowhere.

It’s time to think outside the box! Firstly, get Googling. In hospitals, often the consultant or head of the department you’re under will have their own secretary and you may be able to find their contact details online, or even on the letters you’re sent from the department. You may have better luck contacting the secretary if you have specific issues with your treatment or new symptoms.

Over time, you may also be able to build up other contacts. Some hospital departments have specialist nurses attached to the department who run certain tests or follow-ups. If you can find the public phone number for the specialist nurses, they may be especially helpful in chasing up on things for you. I love the specialist endocrine nurses at my hospital, they’re so lovely and super helpful.

5. Take up cathartic screaming

Ultimately, despite all your best efforts, your encounters with hospital admin systems will likely still be frustrating and inefficient. At some point, it’s best to accept this and try not to let it get to you. All you can do is try your best to smooth the process, give timely reminders, and chase up on things that should have been organised for you.

Make sure you can have a good rant to a friend or family member about how frustrating it all is. If you find yourself getting too stressed out, try to take a step back and give yourself a break. You can always start making phone calls again tomorrow.

What are your worst experiences with hospital admin? Do you have any tips for how to cope with hospital administration systems? Let me me know in the comments!

Gluten-Free, Low FODMAP Peanut Butter Choc Chip Cookies Recipe
baking · gluten free

Gluten-Free, Low FODMAP Peanut Butter Choc Chip Cookies Recipe

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I wanted to share this recipe for gluten-free, low FODMAP peanut butter chocolate chip cookies with you. We’ve known about my husband’s gluten intolerance for a number of years, so I’m well versed in creating gluten free recipes. But in the autumn he also went onto the low-FODMAP diet, to try to help us work out what other food intolerances he has. So I’ve also had the fun of trying out low FODMAP baking for the first time. I think these peanut butter choc chip cookies are a great treat even if you don’t have any dietary requirements! Plus they’re really easy to make.

This recipe will make around 9 – 14 gluten-free low FODMAP peanut butter choc chip cookies. It takes about fifteen minutes to prepare and another 12 minutes to bake. You can also freeze these cookies and reheat them later (10 minutes in an oven preheated to 160 degrees C).

Gluten-Free Low FODMAP Peanut Butter Choc Chip Cookies

The ingredients:

You will need the following ingredients for your gluten free low FODMAP peanut butter chocolate chip cookies:

  • 225g salted butter
  • 225g caster sugar
  • 2 egg yolks (or one egg – but two yolks gives a more chewy, cookie-ish consistency)
  • 2tbsp peanut butter
  • 250g gluten free self-raising flour (or add 3tsp baking powder to plain flour)
  • 1tsp xanthan gum
  • 1tsp vanilla extract
  • 50g gluten free oats
  • 100g dark chocolate drops or chopped dark chocolate

Gluten-free Peanut Choc Chip Cookies: The Recipe:

1. First, mix together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Then mix in the egg, a little at a time.

2. Sieve in the flour and xanthan gum, add the peanut butter, oats and vanilla extract and mix well.

3. Lastly, add your chocolate chips and mix until well combined into a thick dough… See the picture of the cookie dough below.

4. Preheat the oven to 180 degrees C.

5. Next, roll the cookie dough into balls, a little smaller than golf ball size. Put the balls onto a baking sheet, well spaced apart.

6. Bake your cookies for around 12 minutes, until they are slightly brown at the edges. They will look a bit undercooked in the middle – that’s okay.

7. Cool the cookies on the tray for 2 – 3 minutes, then transfer onto a cooling rack.

Tips and Tricks for your Gluten-free Peanut Butter Choc Chip Cookies:

The aim is to make peanut butter chocolate chip cookies with a slightly soft, chewy centre. This is harder to achieve with a gluten free recipe! The use of egg yolks, oats, peanut butter and xanthan gum should help to give more of a chewy texture, but the most important thing is not to leave them in the oven too long – if you do, they’ll still be delicious, but they’ll have more of a crunchy biscuit texture.

Another thing that helps with the chewy texture is putting the cookie dough onto the baking sheet in balls rather than dough that’s already rolled flat – so make sure you don’t skip that step!

To keep things low- FODMAP, make sure you use dark chocolate chips. Also ensure that your peanut butter doesn’t contain high-FODMAP ingredients such as high fructose corn syrup.

More yummy gluten-free recipes…

If you’re in the market for delicious gluten free treats, why not check out my recipe for gluten-free chocolate cappuccino brownies, or this one for yummy gluten-free pumpkin muffins?

Things No One Tells You About Being An Underwater Model
Just for fun · mermaiding

Things No One Tells You About Being An Underwater Model

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Underwater modelling looks super cool, but I can tell you from experience that it has it’s downsides. So today, I present my list of the things no-one tells you about being an underwater model…

Things No One Tells You About Being An Underwater Model

1. You might look amazing but you will feel GROSS

Underwater modelling (and underwater performance more generally) may look incredibly glamorous, but the truth is… It’s not! If you’re shooting (or performing) in chlorinated water, by the end of the shoot your eyes will be bright red like some kind of mermaid vampire, and your nose will be running like mad. If you’re working in seawater or fresh water, your eyes probably won’t be as sore, but you’ll still have a gross runny nose and… You might smell pretty bad too. Ever seen a mermaid performing in an aquarium, looking magical alongside the fish and sharks? Yeah, when she gets out the tank backstage, she will stink of seaweed and shark poop. And she’ll still smell pretty bad even after her third hot shower that evening.

2. It takes FOREVER

That gorgeous shot of the underwater model hovering in the water, wrapped in elegant folds of transparent fabric that float around her in perfect symmetry? Yeah, the photographer will have about 500 versions of that photo that didn’t work out.

Getting the perfect underwater photo takes patience and persistence, sometimes to a quite ridiculous extent. So many things have to come together for the shot to work. The model has to be floating just right; so does her costume and hair. There can’t be any bubbles or floating debris obscuring the picture. If the model is moving in the water (and let’s face it, it’s almost impossible to stay still in water!), the photographer has to press the shutter button at the exact right moment, not too early or too late. Plus, all of the normal considerations that need to come together to create a great photo – the lighting, the model’s expression and open eyes, the make-up, the props… The list goes on.

So if you have a specific shot you’re trying to create, be prepared to try for the shot over… and over… and over… and then maybe just a few more times…

3. Being an underwater model is super cold!

So this one sounds obvious, but modelling underwater gets really cold. I presume that professional mermaids and underwater models who live in lovely hot countries don’t have this issue to quite the same degree, but if you’re in the UK it’s going to be an issue. Make sure you plan how you’re going to warm up once you’re out of the water – hot towels, warm drinks, a space heater or hot shower are all good ideas to have on standby. You also need to ensure that you’re not in the water for too long at one time – 15 minutes is the absolute max in cold water before you should have a break.

One of my coldest mermaid performance experiences was at an aquarium in Scotland where the water for their main sand tiger shark tank was fed directly from the Firth of Forth. After each stint swimming in the freezing water, we climbed straight into a large sink filled with warm water… It was heavenly!

Photograph by Mark Jones

4. Risk assessments are really important

Risk assessments for underwater models:

Modelling and performing underwater is inherently dangerous. You’re trying to hold your breath for long periods of time, often in cold water, often while wearing impractical costumes or working with props that could impede your ability to swim to the surface if you needed to. If you’re modelling or performing in open water, there are even more dangers – waves, tides, entanglement hazards from fishing gear, and so on. With all these dangers, it’s important to manage the risk to yourself and others.

I actually ended up with a concussion after one underwater photoshoot – we were shooting at night against a black background with a single beam of light, so it was pretty dark, and I surfaced straight into a metal ladder that had been placed across the pool as part of the lighting rig. Talking to my doctor the next day about how I sustained the injury required a LOT of explaining… And my GP always remembered me as the professional mermaid after that. So, proper risk assessment for underwater photography is really important.

How to do a risk assessment for an underwater photoshoot:

Essentially, the process involves identifying possible risks or hazards that could arise as part of the photoshoot, and taking action to eliminate or reduce the risk, as well as planning for what you’ll do if the risk materialises.

So for instance, linking back to aprevious section in this article, with an underwater photoshoot a risk could be that the model ends up with hypothermia; and you could plan to mitigate this by controlling the amount of time spend in the water, the temperature of the water (if possible), providing a heated area where they can warm up afterwards, having towels and warm drinks on hand, etc. etc. Or another risk could be the model getting into difficulties in the water; so think about having a safety diver or divers in the water, and/or a lifeguard on hand in shallower water, and agreeing a hand signal that the model can use to signal that they need help. Think about whether the model’s costume(s) could impede any rescue efforts, and how you can manage that.

By working your way through the possible dangers, and planning for how to keep the models and photographer safe, you can ensure you have a fun and low-risk shoot.

Other risks to consider in your assessment:

You should also think about other types of risk, such as whether you have the right insurance, and whether your photoshoot will be in line with the law. For instance, if you or your photographer is diving using SCUBA gear in the UK, you will be subject to the Diving At Work Regulations (1997). Make sure you do your research and know the relevant laws in advance of your photoshoot.

I’ll write more about risk assessing underwater photoshoots in a future post, so watch this space.

5. Being an underwater model is incredibly tiring

Underwater modelling is exhausting. Repeatedly diving and posing while holding your breath is very strenuous work, and it’s another reason why it’s important to schedule short diving windows – even if the water is warm. It’s really easy to underestimate just how tiring it can be! I recommend restricting photoshoot timings to a maximum of 20 minutes at a time before the model gets a break. If you have multiple models at a shoot, it’s best to rotate them; often the photographer will be able to keep going longer if they’re shooting from outside of the water or are using SCUBA gear, so it’s the best way to make use of the time.

Make sure you’ve properly considered how tired you will be after any extended session as an underwater model, and how you will manage that. It may be sensible to ensure that you’re not going to have to drive yourself home after the photoshoot – especially combined with the risk of things such as getting sore, dry eyes from the chlorine.

Photograph by Johannes Hjorth

6. You can’t communicate with your photographer

Again, this sounds obvious, but it’s easy to overlook. Underwater, the photographer cannot direct the model while actually taking pictures. In order to discuss how the shoot is going, you’ll both need to surface to talk to one another. That takes time and can be a real pain, especially if the photographer is using SCUBA gear, or if you’re shooting in a tank when it can be difficult for the model to hear anything that’s being said outside the tank itself.

So for a successful underwater photoshoot, make sure you have a thorough discussion with your photographer before getting into the water. Agree the type of shots you’re aiming for, the poses, location in the water, and any hand signals you’ll use to communicate with one another. That way, you’ll get the most of your time shooting together.

More tips and tricks for underwater models

This article is part of a series I’m writing called The Professional Mermaid’s Guide to Underwater Modelling! Why not check out the series page to see all the articles I’ve written about underwater modelling and photography? The series includes top tips on everything from learning how to open your eyes underwater, to styling hair and using wigs in the water, underwater makeup tips, and more!

Are you an underwater model or photographer? Do you have any tips that you think I’ve missed? Let me know in the comments!