Like everyone else on the planet, I’ve been watching Netflix’s Tiger King during lockdown. If you haven’t seen the show, I’ll warn you right now that this post won’t make a lot of sense.
Anyway, I was of course immediately struck by the remarkable similarities between the semi-moronic egomaniac obsessed with power, and the… you know, the other semi-moronic egomaniac obsessed with power. And so, I present: why Boris Johnson and Joe Exotic are practically the same person.
1. They’re both American.
Let’s start with the obvious. Joe Exotic was born in Kansas. Boris Johnson was born in New York.
2. They both use ridiculous names for their public persona.
Joe Exotic was born Joseph Schreibvogel, a name which completely fails to convey any sense that its owner may be America’s most prolific tiger breeder. Boris Johnson was born Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, a name which very much succeeds in conveying the sense that its owner is an overprivileged, bumbling racist.
3. They both lure younger people into their bedrooms.
If Netflix is to be believed, Joe Exotic induces young, straight men into relationships using the magic of meth. Boris Johnson, on the other hand, is under investigation for potential misconduct in a public office, after allegations that he gave his mistress, Jennifer Arcuri, public funds and access to foreign trade missions. Which of course might explain what she saw in a dumpy, spam-faced gentleman twenty years her senior.
4. They both have trademark bleach-blonde hairstyles.
Frankly it’s hard to say which hairdo is worse. But there’s certainly something about the bleached blonde colour that really brings out those reddish-pink tones in the skin.
5. They both vastly overestimate their ability to hold high political office.
Joe Exotic ran for President. Boris Johnson ran for Prime Minister. The only real distinction there is the number of other people each of them managed to fool into supporting them.
6. They both blame all their problems on an evil external entity.
In Joe Exotic’s case, all of life’s ills can be blamed on that bitch, Carole Baskin. Boris Johnson, on the other hand, prefers to blame the European Union. However, it should be noted that there’s absolutely no evidence that the European Union killed its husband and fed him to a tiger.
7. They both have someone pulling their strings from behind the scenes.
Boris Johnson has the murky shadow of “political advisor” Dominic Cummings looming over him like a creepy puppet master. According to Netflix, Joe Exotic’s ex-business partner Jeff Lowe manoeuvred himself into position to take control of Joe’s zoo and conveniently land Joe in prison for soliciting murder for hire.
8. They both have ill-judged musical careers.
Joe Exotic is now famed for such dittos as Here Kitty Kitty and I Saw A Tiger. Boris Johnson, on the other hand, once sung Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds to a group of journalists, and once heard it will never be forgotten.